Passing on the Proposal - Day 14

Every now and again my parents remember that I am not getting any younger and that it is high time for me to find a mate. This has been the case since I was about 14.


There is no point in trying to refine the terminology to 'the one’,’ life partner', 'soulmate', 'lover'?, etc. At this point, it just boils down to a mate. Somehow Ramadan is always a peak moment to scrabble for a potential proposal so that the family has an additional celebration to rub in the family's face during Eid. Now I know you must be asking 'how could you agree to this?'. I don't. Nor do I have any inclination of getting hitched this way. However, my parents are obliged to inform me of any proposal made; and I am obliged, for the sake of my sanity, to reject every proposal made. Honestly, they don't seem to really do much other than sit back and wait for people to come to them and randomly request to marry me without having ever seen my picture let alone read my blog! Probably a good thing. I am not particularly bothered by this - in fact I am time and again amused at the endless slur of very wrong potential men presented to me on a silver platter. I would have far more luck kissing frogs than attempting to make sense of these potential disasters. Now I know that the parental units are simply passing on a message and therefore I never feel the need to necessarily express my anger at "their" choice. Sometimes I wonder though which part of their psyche takes over to hide all they ever knew and still should know about their daughter.

A recent favourite potential hazard was described by my dad as being “so devout he doesn't even have any friends because he does not want to be wrongly influenced". This was enough information for me to wonder about the perils of staying away too long from my parents... for their sake. There were so many things wrong with this statement I had no idea where to begin or end, so I simply asked "catch 22?". My dad ignored my pending query and told me to let him know in the morning. I really didn't need that long as my hand was already grabbing my phone to call my sister to enthrall her with some serious verbal diarrhea no diaper could sustain. Let's discuss. No friends? No friends! If he really was devout, to talk on his level, he would have figured that friendship is one of the most important elements in life and that the prophet, like all prophets, achieved great things with the support of friends, even if they were a mere deus ex machina! How my dad managed to overlook this point is a mystery. In any case, I do not mean this to be a rant against Mr Jeopardy, or my parents. If it does somehow turn into this, well, what do you expect with such a ludicrous statement! I feed strangers, I make friends faster than I make houmous and I am damn good at making houmous. How would I be able to take someone seriously with statements like that? I barely take myself seriously…

In any case, there is a moral to this story. Somewhere. I can laugh about this because I have a choice. Like I said, my parents are mere messengers in this tale. They are not actively pursuing a husband for me in the sense of staging an arranged marriage. They did not have an arranged marriage and are far more romantic - if not illogical - in their notion of love than I am. In fact, Egypt does not have arranged marriages like in other parts of the Arab world or South East Asia. One term used to describe them is ‘living room marriages’ – based on where the potentials usually meet. I see it more like speed-dating turned down a notch. You have a very limited amount of time to meet said potential and size each other up basically. At the end if you both feel there could be something there, you agree to courtship. All very civil of course, with chaperones and all - controlled internet dating if you may. Phones are not usually checked though. Often these potentials see a girl at a wedding/party/social event and have their mothers/aunt/cousin set up a ‘living room’ meeting. Or someone knows someone who would be great for that other someone. All very fiddler on the pyramid sort of thing. If a girl were to look at a boy that way, well I am not sure, maybe ask her father to stalk him and his family for a meeting. All is possible.

Unfortunately, not all women are this lucky. In the villages in Cairo arranged marriages are still very much the staple condition, and now with the economic downturn marriage has taken on a whole new meaning. It has become almost common for some villagers to "rent" out their daughters for marriage. The suitor may request to marry the daughter for a week, a month, an hour.. as long as a contract is signed and a dowry is paid. Does this sound familiar to the oldest profession in the world? Problem being that they do not see it that way. It’s not only in villages, a decade ago there was a rise in the number of Urfi marriages in the big cities across all social classes. Urfi marriage is basically a non-contract marriage whereby a couple verbally states they are married and sign any piece of paper claiming such and have it countersigned by two witnesses. In order for the marriage to have religious validity one of the witnesses must be the guardian of the bride. This is of course not the case as Urfi marriage is used as a means of legalizing pre-marital sex. Today though with the rise of little Russias all over Egypt, Urfi has been returned to the 11th century and activities take place sans contract (not counting receipts). Joking aside, Urfi marriage is very problematic. In a male dominated society for a women to get hold of this piece of paper, the only contractual claim to be upheld in court, is not always as easy as the verbal statement made in vain. Without this piece of paper a woman cannot get a divorce, let alone re-marry. In Egypt we know have the Egyptian Centre for Women's Rights which operates a hotline and many questions often revolve around legal status of Urfi marriage. Aside from the legal issues, the societal repercussions are far worse. Somehow the middle ground is often forgotten in Egypt and so society is divided in the extremely religious versus the religious by name. However, in both cases, the woman is the one to bear the brunt of entering into a Urfi marriage and is often considered as 'damaged goods' and therefor no longer marriage material. Even if the male suitor himself has signed multiple Urfi contracts in his adult life, chances are when he asks his mother to find him a bride, he wants nothing less than a spotless record from his soon to be missus. So what's the solution? Open discussion about sex, marriage, relationships and moreover contraception. There are almost as many orphanages as there are schools! It is important to continue supporting grass roots organisations who work hard to promote public health programmes with an added focus on removing societal stigmas. Though abstinence may be the overarching goal of these rules, let's bear in mind the world's oldest profession again and realise the obvious conclusions.

This is a sensitive issue to discuss during Ramadan, but this is the month of regaining some moral ground. In order to regain it, we should understand it. The rule of thumb is that sex, and all other forms of sexual gratification, are a no no during Ramadan with a caveat that only if you feel your unfulfilled desires may lead you to commit sin, then you should go onto your wife. I like to think this counts for women equally, so; or, go onto your husband. The point being that you deny yourself of this ‘worldly’ pleasure and learn to curb your needs/desire/lust i.e. find a new hobby. More specifically, use the time you would spend pursuing such activities in a more constructive way with a focus on your religion – read more, pray more, give more charity, teach your children/cousins/nephews verses from the quran and so on and so forth. This is, despite the non-contextual interpretation of the Koran, by no means religion’s way of saying that sex is bad. On the contrary, Islamic philosophers were the first Love Doctors of the world writing volumes on a man’s duty towards his wife in the bedroom and vice versa. There is the infamous Treatise on Love by Ibn Sina [Avicenna]. Islam does not preach celibacy, rather control of desire and equality in the arena. And given the way Urfi marriage is practiced in Egypt, it may not be such a bad idea to issue out copies of the treatise written by our great philosophers, like on the art and practice of Arab love.